Losing Henry
by ficdirectory
Summary: Post-episode 6x24. JJ comes back to work with a secret. Her son has been kidnapped and she knows who has him. She also knows he does not make idle threats. Can she get to Henry in time? WARNING: Kidnapping **2nd Place: Best Drama in the 2011 Criminal Minds Favorite Fic Awards at LiveJournal**
1. The Lost

_Never act until you have clearly answered the question: What happens if I do nothing? _

_- _Robert Brault

This is a nightmare from which JJ cannot awake.

When she sleeps, it comes to her, haunting her like ghosts. Except ghosts are proof that someone was here once. All _she_ has is an empty echo - proof that Henry is gone. In her dreams, JJ jerks awake in the middle of the night, certain that something is wrong. Henry's red racecar bed with the CARS sheets is empty. The sheets are crumpled. His favorite blanket is left behind.

Henry's bed is named Lightning McQueen, after the car in the Pixar film. Her son had an unnatural love for his own bed and he would never leave his blanket behind. Even in her dream, JJ knows this, and the truth settles in her gut like a series of cold, hard stones.

In the dreams, JJ always searches. First for Henry, and then for Will, who is always inexplicably missing, too. Where the hell _is_ he? She rushes from room to room. She calls Henry's name, but he doesn't come.

The terror closing her throat is the last thing she feels before she jerks awake. For a split second, relief fills her. Long enough to think, _it's just a dream_, and then be cruelly reminded that, no, it's not. Because just about then, her eyes focus on the nightstand, where the neatly-written list of stipulations sits.

This is a rare case, because she knows exactly who took her son. JJ knows exactly how dangerous he is. And she has no doubt that if she does not follow his instructions to the letter, she will never see her son again.

She knows because she dated him. This loser, back in college. She hadn't thought he'd been a loser at first. She'd thought he was her saving grace. Somebody to love her and care about her and not just her Mom and Dad, after they all lost her sister, Janet. She had only been eleven. Seven years later as a college freshman, she had met him after a soccer game. He made her feel so special. So cared about. So valued. He had not known Janet. In fact he never even knew JJ's first name for the entire first month. As head-over-heels as she was for him, she was instinctually careful. She had not wanted to reveal important things about herself until she was sure this was the real thing. Then, they had kissed. Then, he'd said, "I love you" and meant it.

Slowly, she had opened up. He treated her so gently when she needed it, but was not afraid to rough-house, either. And he was romantic. When _Titanic_ came out, he went to see it with her in theatres. He even cried, while she sat dry-eyed, confusing the emergency flares for fireworks. Why, she had wondered, would they celebrate mass death like this? After the movie, over burgers and salads, he had explained. She nodded, but could not get the image of the strings section playing jaunty numbers while the ship went down.

That night was the first time he hit her. He wanted to go to bed. She had to study. JJ struggled in her general psych class on her best day. In fact, the only thing she learned so far, taking the quizzes about depression and anxiety levels, was that she was really screwed up from losing her sister, and could probably benefit from free counseling services on campus. She still hadn't mustered the courage to go. And then there were the tests. The vocabulary that would not stay in her head no matter how hard she tried to force it to stay there.

She remembered staring up at him in shock. She remembered planting her hands in his chest and shoving him, shirtless, out into the hall. She remembered locking him out, her heart pounding in her chest. She remembered how casually he'd done it, and she had vowed to never let it happen again.

But it had. Of course it had. He apologized, said it was a mistake. He was tired. She made him crazy. There was a party the next weekend and she hadn't wanted to show up alone and deal with questions from the other girls on the team. So she said she forgave him. There wasn't even a mark left behind, so it couldn't have been that bad, right? Still, she swore to him that if he did it again, that was it. They were done. She'd be gone. He'd never see her again.

It wasn't. They never showed up at the party. After the game, he insisted they return to the apartment. Somehow, she agreed. Somehow, she ended up in a huge fight with him over something stupid. He threatened to drive them off the road. Told her all the ways he could overpower her. She stared back at him, refusing to be moved by his threats. By the time they were home, it was as if nothing happened.

Two months later, she woke up in the middle of the night with a knife pressed against her throat. Scream, and she'd die, she knew. So she kept quiet. Every time she tried to excuse herself he refused to allow it. She was in the apartment for hours. She missed a day of classes as he beat her, tormented her with secrets she had confided in him. It was just by chance that someone came to the door unexpectedly. By then, she was bruised and bleeding. He went out a window and she never answered the door.

Instead, she packed everything she could into her backpack, got in her car, and drove. She transferred to another school and never looked back. Even all these years later, it was not the beating that scared her, it's the promise he had whispered in her ear, as the blade pressed against her throat.

"If I can't have you…nobody will…"

She blinks away the tears that are always present. Swallows back the lump in her throat. Then, she focuses on Will's side of the bed. That's empty, too. An empty bottle sits open and unashamed, on his nightstand. His jeans lay, discarded, on the floor. She remembers commenting on his drinking before, when they first met. He'd dismissed her concerns, saying it was a cultural thing. She wonders bitterly, what he might say now. Now that their son is missing. Now that he was stolen from their house on Will's watch, while she was at work. It's too terrible to imagine, so JJ doesn't try to conjure it.

She remembers the call at work. It was early. Six or seven o'clock when Will called, desperate. Telling her Henry was gone. That someone had taken him. She had rushed home, and by then, there was the note in familiar handwriting from her past.

_Involve the police and you will never see him again. Do not search for me. I know exactly where you are. I have always known. Remember. If I can't have you…nobody will… _

She holds her necklace and tries to breathe. She will go to work tomorrow. She will act like everything is fine. She will join her team in their profiling duties, so that this one thing is right with her world. In her free moments, she'll do what is demanded of her by _him_. But she will do it quietly. No one will know. This is her fight.

This is her fault.

So, Rossi's offer, when it comes, is perfect.

She is not lying when she tells him that she has done nothing but consider it, and unlike Hotch, Rossi does not question what she is doing in the office at 2 AM. He buys her aloof answer.

Hotch would have pressed. He would have asked how she was doing. How Will and Henry were doing? What was she _really_ doing showing up at the BAU so late at night?

But they are desperate, it seems, for some stability. For something. She will give them that. But she hopes that they don't push. She cannot handle pushing. She hopes, already, that she does not have to work another case involving a missing child. It would split her loyalties as a mother.

It would break her heart.

JJ shakes her head and gets up. She can't blame Will. He blames himself enough, as it is. In fact, it didn't take long to realize there was nothing she could do to convince him that this wasn't his fault. He had fallen completely apart. When he wasn't out drinking, he was home drinking. When he wasn't drinking, he was sleeping for obscene amounts of time. JJ envied the depression that allowed him to escape from this nightmare, stealing his consciousness and replacing it with peaceful blackness. They had started snapping at one another. Now, they barely speak. She cannot control what he does. Neither can she waste these hours searching local bars for her husband.

She needs sleep.

She's going back to the BAU tomorrow.

Soundlessly, JJ crawls into her son's room. Into Lightning McQueen and his soft sheets. She lays her head on the tiny pillow. Clutches the blanket. Imagines just for a second, that Henry is here to put her arm around. Because this is the only way she can sleep. This is the only way she will be able to function.

She imagines the last time they were able to lie like this and cuddle.

It was a rare thing, like a gift. Because Henry, who never complained about going to bed, who never got up to wander, had woken up crying.

When JJ went in to check on him, she ended up curled around him in the tiny bed. Henry had fallen asleep clutching her hand in his small one. With his other hand, he grasped the necklace she sometimes wore. Janet's necklace. It had made her throat swell with emotion. Because it was something he had, no doubt, seen her do when she was upset and needed to ground herself. Sometimes, even if she was not wearing it, she would fist her own hand in front of her chest, in the place it would hang.

Each time JJ had tried to disentangle herself from her son's grip, he had held on tighter, whimpering in his sleep. So she had stayed with him all night. Thank God, she had stayed with him…

As her eyes drift closed a single thought circles in her mind, closing her throat, choking her…

Had he known this was coming?


	2. The Secret

**Tara621: Looks like your wait is over! Here is chapter 2. You'll have to read it to see if any of JJ's team recognizes she is struggling. I hope Henry is safe, too, and strong like his parents! It is a little bit like Hotch in Season 5, but worse, I agree! Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**zzz-zzz84: It is really sad, but I am glad to know you are loving it so far! That is my favorite part, too, Henry clutching JJ's sister's necklace. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!**

**dino-dog83: Glad you're enjoying the story so far. Sorry it has taken a while for chapter 2 to appear, but I hope you like it!**

**sunshinecutiebre: Super sad, I agree! Yes, I am continuing it. I hope you like the second chapter. Poor Henry, indeed. Thank you, I'm glad the story came across well! I feel badly for Will, too. I hope JJ will decide to confide in her team, too. I'm not sure who you're referring to, in hopes that I don't bash "him" around - I can only assume you meant Will? And if so, I think Will has enough guilt. He doesn't need me to make anything tougher on him. So, no worries! **

_"You will not find a soul mate in the quiet of your room. You must go to a noisy place and look in the quiet corners."_

- Robert Brault

When JJ returns to work, she finds her team altered. She experienced this once before, when they needed her help to find Emily. But there had been an urgency pulling them together. An energy that pushed them forward. There had been no time for hellos. There had hardly been time for goodbyes… Now, there is just that unspeakable sadness.

They miss Emily. They are grieving her loss. Only JJ knows she is, in fact, still alive. That she is living in Paris, making her living as a famous, if reclusive artist, Pascale. Her paintings are breathtaking.

JJ shakes her head trying to clear it. But it is taken over quickly by the second most obvious change since JJ's return.

There is the other loss that is not really a loss at all. The new blonde academy student who, JJ knows, was let go so that she could return. So now, they not only miss Emily, but Ashley, too. Both losses are different shapes. Both have different depths. Both piss JJ off beyond belief.

It's hard not to feel bitter. Angry. Emily and Ashley are grown women. JJ knows with certainty that they are at least alive. She cannot say the same of Henry, not for sure. Emily and Ashley know how to take care of themselves. To fend for themselves. What does Henry know? He isn't old enough to know his address or how to call home. He knows how to dial 911, but only if he has access to a phone and hasn't been harmed in some unthinkable way already. He knows to say no if someone grabs him or tries to do anything he does not like - even an adult. But he cannot fight back as Emily had. And he cannot move on, as Ashley will.

He is stuck. He is at the mercy of someone with no mercy. It is up to JJ to get him back. And the first step is to get back to work.

It feels strange to sit at the table with them, to look at the cases on digital screens - not paper folders - and to toss out theories about where the latest unsub is. Who their latest unsub is. In her spare time, back before her life fell apart, she had finally done it. JJ took the classes. She is a profiler now. It is strange to hear Garcia briefing them - always facing away from the screen - always with so much more humanness than JJ had ever managed.

She sees the subtle things, even when she makes an effort to look at nothing but the case in front of her.

The way Reid's eyes are deeply shadowed. The way Garcia astutely avoids any remembrance of Emily, as if it will open up a gaping wound. The way Rossi sometimes takes a breath, and JJ knows it's to say Ashley's name, or "kiddo" which is what he often called her. The way Morgan is constantly clenching his jaw, still angry at himself for not arriving in time to save Emily's life. JJ can even see something deeper in the way Hotch glances at the clock on the wall. Or his watch. It reminds JJ of one of Emily's paintings -_avec le recul _- the one with the clocks. JJ had looked up the phrase. The words _hindsight, retrospect_ and _with the passage of time_ all had the power to close her throat with emotion.

When Emily, herself, walks in, as if no time has passed, JJ can't breathe. She recovers fast, though, and glances around the room - a habit from her days as media and family liaison - and checks on everyone else's reactions.

Hotch of course is calm. He is the only one, aside from JJ who knew the truth about Emily. JJ fights down an irrational sense of betrayal. They had called her in when Emily went missing. She coordinated Emily's disappearance. She brought herself to tears and lied to her team so that Emily could stay alive. She only told Hotch after everything was done. After Emily was on the plane. The least he could have done right now is given her a head's up.

But instead of focusing on that, JJ takes in her team. Garcia, thank God, has found a chair. She looks close to passing out in her dress printed with tropical flowers. Her skin is pale and her eyes, full of tears. Morgan keeps shaking his head, as if he can't believe that Emily is standing in front of him. Reid averts his gaze, as if this whole thing is too much for him to take in. Rossi sits back, his shock like a heaviness he does not know what to do with. Hotch, of course is up, shaking Emily's hand. Welcoming her back.

JJ forces herself to stand, to react, and to move.

"Hey. Surprised to see you," she says honestly, embracing Emily.

"You, too. You didn't tell me you were joining the team."

Over Emily's shoulder, JJ bristles. JJ has always been a part of the team, hasn't she? A hell of a lot longer than Emily has been, too. JJ's new profiling skills should not change that.

But she schools her face to show a calm that she does not feel. She stores her hurt feelings the same place she keeps the knowledge of what happened to Henry. In some quiet corner of her mind, so it will not interrupt what she is here to do.

Because Garcia seems unable to resume JJ's old job as media liaison, JJ seamlessly steps in, referring to Garcia's notes on the case. She does not wait for whatever words the rest of them have for Emily. Or that Hotch might have for the rest of them.

She ignores the surprised looks.

They have an unsub to stop. And JJ has a little boy to find.

Before they take off to wherever the hell this case will take them, JJ takes advantage of the chaos that Emily's return brings. She slips away and into Garcia's office. She tries not to get drawn into the memories. Of cases where she worked with Garcia while everyone else was out in the field. Of her last day, saying goodbye to her here. Instead, JJ taps some keys and curses under her breath. Why the hell did Garcia have to be so careful? JJ can't even log in to the system, much less search records and databases for what she needs to know about the bastard that has her child.

"Hey."

JJ jumps and turns around, hiding her embarrassment with a reflexive smile. "Oh. You scared me."

Garcia takes a few steps into the office. "This is the last place I'd expect to find you."

"Yeah, I just…" What can she say? "I just needed some information, but it's fine. I can do it later."

"Jaje, you know if you need anything, I'm always here. I can always help. This is my system and I'm the queen." Garcia smiles a tense smile as JJ attempts to hurry past.

A hand on her arm stops her short and JJ's breath catches. She waits for the question. Waits for Garcia to ask if she is okay, so she can lie and say she is. It will feel better, though, to know that someone notices.

"Did you know? About Emily?" Garcia presses gently.

JJ blinks. "Garcia, who do you think set it all up? Who do you think flew halfway around the world with passports and money for her?" She is being harsh but doesn't care. Right now, JJ has bigger things to worry about.

Hurt flashes across Garcia's face. Her eyes narrow behind her glasses for a split second. She takes a step back. "You totally lied to us…"

"Garcia, I can't do this right now, okay? I really need to go." And JJ excuses herself, pushing past her friend, wishing it didn't have to be this way.

JJ's in the field - literally, some cornfield - with Morgan. They are stalking it quietly and she is trying to calm her racing heart. She remembers that Reid was abducted from a field like this years ago. JJ tries to focus but too late, she realizes she has missed an important signal. She stumbles and very nearly gives them away.

Later, she catches hell from Morgan.

"All right. What's with you?" he asks, impatient, while they are walking back to the SUVs.

"What's with _you_?" she shoots back, not caring if she sounds ridiculous. If he is going to be on her ass for her lack of focus, she can call him out for the same thing. "You didn't even wait for Hotch to signal before you ran in there!"

He's silent, staring at her with a knowing look. It takes a while before he speaks. "You of all people should know why I can't afford to wait when a life is at stake."

JJ clenches her jaw. Emily again. "She's alive, Derek. I did what I did to _save_ her _life_. Your speed had nothing to do with it." In a second, she realizes her mistake, but it is too late to take the words back.

Temper flashes in his eyes. "Next time, try to keep your footing," he says and walks away.

On the jet, JJ sequesters herself beside the coffee pot. She has not said a word about Henry. On one hand, she feels like a horrible mother, but on the other, JJ knows that this is the only way to ensure Henry's safety.

She has not said a word, but she has looked. She has spent every spare minute scanning her surroundings for her son's long, honey-colored hair. For his sweet blue eyes. She stumbled in the cornfield not only because she remembered Reid getting taken, but because of another memory - more painful than the first.

Last year, in October, she and Will had gone to back her hometown of East Allegheny to pick pumpkins and celebrate the fall. Henry had loved the hayride. He had taken forever choosing just the right pumpkin. But then there had been the corn maze. It had taken half a second for him to disappear completely into the throng of other parents and children. JJ had felt an indefinable anxiety - a panic - at that moment.

Her son is like her other half. He is so much of her, it is impossible to separate them. Now that he is lost, so is she. And she will not feel safe or whole again, until she knows that he is home and okay.

It feels the same now. That sensation that no matter how she tries, she cannot take a full breath. She can't sleep. She can't really live. Her life is like that huge corn maze. Packed with people. Impossible to maneuver through. All she knows is that her son is out there somewhere and she can't get to him.

But she prays it will end the same as it had a year ago. With Henry running into her arms, giggling.

With Henry saying, "I found you!"


	3. The Trade

**crazyobsession101: Thank you! I'm glad you're continuing to enjoy it!**

**kdzl: So glad to know you are reading and enjoying this! Yes, jealousy is the perfect word, and I'm glad that part came across poignantly. Hope you'll continue to be moved by this chapter!**

**sunshinecutiebre: I don't usually write pairings and I don't really consider this one, as they are married, but I'm glad it makes you happy. **

**Tara621: Glad you felt the last chapter was worth the wait. Hopefully this one is, too! We'll have to see regarding team dynamics! I am not sure! I love JJ and Morgan together. And you will have to read this chapter to find out what, if anything, creepy ex decides to do…**

**dino-dog83: I'm glad you're enjoying this, and that you liked the piece featuring JJ and Morgan! I liked it, too! Thanks, too, for the compliment on the way it's written, I appreciate it!**

**zzz-zzz84: That is the thing that frustrated me, too. The team's complete obliviousness to anything being wrong with JJ. I hope they will realize it soon! And I hope you continue to get a lot out of the story…**

_Perhaps we misjudge other people's loneliness because we're so seldom with them when they're alone. _

- Robert Brault

Four days.

Four days, but it feels like it has been so much longer. Because JJ is Henry's mother and she should know, shouldn't she, whether he is hurt or not? Whether he is alive or not? But she cannot entertain thoughts like this, even a little. She needs every ounce of energy to concentrate on following directions.

She takes the paper out of her bedside table drawer again. Scans it. Then goes back and forces herself to read it more carefully - word for word.

It's handwritten, because that bastard doesn't care if she knows. He is also sure that she will follow his instructions. It is crystal clear that if she doesn't, he will hurt Henry. She knows that he won't care one way or another.

By now, not hearing anything was worse than hearing nothing. JJ endured excruciating flashes of what might be happening to her son every time her eyes drifted shut. It's why she didn't sleep. She kept seeing her baby being hurt. She kept hearing him screaming… Calling out for her…

JJ grabs a mug and fills it with the dregs of the coffee pot, and then she walks into the guest room, which she has converted into a command center. She's set up an evidence board, with Henry's picture, the ex, that she refuses to name, and any other evidence. Though she likes carrying the list of demands with her, to make sure she does not make a mistake, she tacks this up, too.

After a long day at work, this is probably the last thing JJ needs to be doing, but she cannot stop herself. She thinks, belatedly, of Sarah Hillridge, who lost her son, Charlie, for eight years. For a time, JJ really had thought that Sarah had lost her common sense, especially when she stopped by the woman's house and found her drinking, and a room, much like this, which tracked any missing children.

Now, JJ isn't so sure. Sarah found her son, right? He ended up, after all this time, being alive? She had that mother's intuition and she never apologized for it, so maybe JJ is on the right track after all.

She takes a deep breath, and continues putting up evidence. Notes. Everything she can recall about that asshole of an ex. Everything she knows for sure about Henry and how he behaves under stress that might be advantageous or dangerous.

"JJ? What the hell are you doing in there?"

JJ pauses, and puts the cap on the marker she is using. She pulls the door open. "What?" she snaps.

Will's eyes are bloodshot and he smells like a bar. He pushes past her and stares, uncomprehending, at the evidence in front of him. "You told me I couldn't investigate, or even bring this to my boss and yet here you are, going behind my back…" he struggles to form the words.

JJ is sure, from past experience, that his head is swimming, his tongue thick, maybe his lips are even tingling. Or maybe that particular side effect is unique to her and blush wine. Or maybe it has nothing to do with wine at all.

She turns her back on him, silent.

"Look at me, damn it!" he exclaims, grabbing her roughly by a shoulder and turning her to face him. "It's been four days, JJ! He's two years old… Odds aren't in his favor… Besides, who said you call the shots?"

JJ refuses to get drawn into this. She knows that the stress of a missing child drives parents apart. They lash out. Blame each other. She has already experienced that, but she cannot bear anymore, on top of what she is already facing. So she presses her lips together, and focuses on what she is here to do.

"I'm just gonna call the damn cops. It's what I should've done all along."

This statement, delivered with so much certainty, gets JJ's attention. "Do that, and he'll die," she tells him, but JJ can tell the statement is falling on deaf ears. Can sense him reaching for it before she can draw a breath.

She turns to face him, and in one swift movement, is wrestling the phone out of his grip. She thinks - hopes - that maybe his slow reflexes and reaction time will work to her advantage. That she might be able to overpower him, but it is no use. If she gets it, she will not be able to keep it. He'll just take it back. So, JJ makes a choice. The second she gets a hold of it, she wrenches it free of its holster on his hip and throws it against the wall.

While Will gapes in shock, she walks over calmly and grinds the pieces underfoot, so they have no chance of being reassembled. They have no landline. This, at least, should buy them time. JJ knows, too, she has intentionally left her work phone at work. All she has on her is a disposable - another condition.

Her husband's eyes narrow and darken, and for a minute, she is sure that she is about to relive the same hell she had in college, but somehow, Will stops himself. Then, he sinks to his knees. Broken.

In this moment, JJ can't stand him.

"I'm his father. I should be out looking for him. We should be doing whatever we can to find him. So why are you acting so damn guilty, JJ? Do you know something? That's a silly question, it's obvious you know a hell of a lot more than you're saying…"

JJ glares at him. Deliberately, she sets her coffee cup down, so she will not throw it at his head. "I'm in charge," she says levelly, "because I'm not drunk. And," she takes a measured breath, knowing this will hurt him. Not caring. Still, she hesitates, her breath catching.

"What?" he challenges.

"I'm not the one who lost him," she mutters.

When he leaves, she does not go after him. She simply closes the door, and goes back to work. But slowly, she can feel the guilt swelling inside her like tears.

Because this is not Will's fault.

It's hers.

At 8:00 sharp that evening, JJ calls the number just as she has all the other nights. Maybe this time, she will get to hear Henry's voice. In the moments before she makes the call, JJ tries to summon everything she knows about hostage negotiation, which, admittedly, isn't much. She managed, by some fluke of nature to get some crazy who called himself The Prince of Darkness, to let an eight-year-old go. But that child was not her own.

She tries to remember everything Hotch told her. Power is all-important. But is that just true for the Prince of Darkness, or for all kidnappers? JJ isn't sure, and she isn't about to tell her ex that he can do what he wants to Henry. Finally, she just offers up a quick prayer, and dials.

"Can I speak to him?"

Names. They're important. Use his name. Humanize Henry. Remind this pile of shit that her son is a person.

"Is Henry okay?" she asks again.

At first, there is nothing, and then a laugh fills the connection. It isn't evil or crazy, it just sounds as if JJ made some kind of absurd, hilarious joke.

"JJ, you know the rules. I make the rules. You follow the rules. Understand?"

"Yes." JJ manages, somehow, to answer calmly. Like he has not rattled her in the least.

"What I'm thinking…is a trade…"

JJ closes her eyes. Wishes her team were here so that she might know what the hell to do. Instinctively, she knows not to ask about Henry again. So, she does the only thing she can think of. She buys time.

"What kind of a trade?" she asks, as if mildly curious. Her heart is hammering in her chest. She sits down in the rolling desk chair because her knees are weak. She thinks of Will briefly. Hopes he is okay. She has not seen him since this morning.

Suddenly, her computer screen comes to life, a video filling the screen. Will must have left it connected to the Internet. At first, JJ doesn't see anything but a large cement room, like a basement. Then, her eyes focus on the tiny cage. Plastic on all sides, with a door that can only be opened from the outside. She tries to guess the size, slogging through her tired memory for dimensions and then decides it doesn't matter. It's small. Too small for anything other than a cat or a small dog to fit inside.

JJ's stomach drops as she sees the tiny fingers grasping the grate of the cage. She can't help the whimper that escapes as something wooden smashes against the little hand. When Henry's weak voice cries out from inside the crate, JJ gets light-headed.

"What? Anything," she insists, hating how desperate she sounds, but knowing that she has no choice.

"If you want…this back…" he jabs the wood - maybe a broom handle - through the spaces in the grate. The distress from the kennel is even louder. "I want _you_ back. A life for a life."

Finally, JJ can breathe.

Finally, something she can do.

"Promise me you won't hurt him," JJ insists.

"I'll do you one better…"

On screen, as usual, JJ can only see the end of her ex-lover, dropping the wood, and instead, holding out a phone to the tiny door.

"Henry, it's Mom. I'm coming to get you, okay? I promise. I love you."

But on the other end of the call, all JJ can hear is the broken sobbing of her little boy.


	4. The Breakdown

**crazyobsession101: Glad you are continuing to enjoy this. I like Will's character, too, I think he is a good balance for JJ. But, absolutely, he needs to quit drinking. That is not helping anything. I hope they will be alright, too. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!**

**Tara621: Oh, man! No, JJ's not THAT crazy! Haha! She just needed to show Will what was what. I know, probably not a very smart move, but she is sleep-deprived and desperate. Enjoy chapter 4!**

**sunshinecutiebre: JJ is not telling the team because she thinks she can handle this all on her own and she wants to protect Henry, of course. But hopefully she will tell them, soon! Hope you like the newest chapter!**

**zzz-zzz84: I know, it is unsettling to write those things, too. But yes, we know he is alive, and that is the most important thing! Hope you like the next chapter!**

**CrystalIceLover: Thanks! I'm glad to know you are enjoying it! Keep reading to find out what happens! Hope you like what's next!**

**iamnumbernine: Thank you so much! That's so sweet of you. I hope you continue to enjoy the story!**

**spk: Thanks! Hope you enjoy the next chapter!**

**KaitlinRoxUrSox: Thanks so much! Hope you like chapter 4! **

_There is no scientific theory of the universe that sufficiently answers the question: "Who entrusted to me this child?" - _Robert Brault

JJ is desperate. She does not know how she has let this happen. Not the taking. For once, she is not thinking of that. It is something else. Something worse. Because she has somehow lost the list she has kept with her at all times. She has not slept in days. When she slips into the BAU at 4 AM to search frantically through her desk, and also tear apart Emily and Spencer's…well…that's when JJ knows. She has lost her mind.

There are sixteen hours left until she has to trade herself in for her son. JJ curses herself. How could she have been so stupid? She knows that he will never let Henry go. He'll keep both of them. Or maybe he'll just keep her and get rid of Henry. Or both of them. The thoughts are enough to turn her stomach so JJ shoves them out of her head and tries to concentrate through bleary eyes.

Right now, finding that damn list is top priority. Without it, she is definitely screwed. So, she is on her knees, digging through desk drawers, tossing scraps of paper aside, and even digging through trash cans. The ones by the three desks. She even goes to Hotch, Morgan, Garcia and Rossi's offices to be sure that her list hasn't somehow made it onto their desks or into their trash.

Her heart is pounding. Adrenaline courses through her body. This is it. If she cannot find this, it's over. Not just for her, but for Henry, too.

"What the hell?" Emily asks, and JJ jumps and turns violently. She is back to pawing through Emily's own desk drawer, in the midst of an amazing mess of papers, folders and anything else she has managed to unearth from the desks. The trash cans are overturned.

JJ knows how she looks. She has not bothered to change clothes since the day before. Her hair is falling out of its clip. Her suit jacket is tossed in with the clutter. She looks like hell. But she cannot stop searching. If she stops, they are both dead. Herself and her son.

"JJ, what is going on?" Emily asks, her tone serious.

But JJ is single-minded in her pursuit of this one small thing. She glances at her watch again. Shit. How have four hours passed without her knowing? She is down to less than twelve hours.

She does not notice when it falls from her pocket. She does not notice when Emily bends down somewhere behind her and picks up a piece of paper with unfamiliar writing.

"JJ. What is this?" she asks. This time she waits for JJ to turn. To acknowledge her.

When she does, JJ nearly passes out. "Give it to me," she demands, hand out.

"Are you in some kind of trouble?" Emily presses.

"No," JJ scoffs. She stands up, trying in vain to pull herself together. To fix her appearance so that she will not be so easily seen though.

_Yes._

"Come on. I _know_ that look," Emily persists.

"I'm not kidding." JJ's voice is low, level, and getting softer with each word. Anyone who really knows her knows that the more upset she becomes, the softer she speaks.

"_Involve the police and you will never see him again. Do not search for me. I know exactly where you are. I have always known. Remember. If I can't have you…nobody will… "_ Emily reads, and JJ lunges inelegantly for the list. This cannot be happening. No one else can know.

But Emily's eyes meet her own. They know without confirmation.

"JJ…Where's Henry?"

The question, asked so simply, without a hint of judgment, breaks JJ down even further. She does not know how much longer she can keep going. Not like this. Not if everyone else knows. If he has been following her all these years, then surely he knows what she does for a living. Surely involving them would mean, by default, involving the cops. But she can't think straight anymore. She doesn't have all the answers, damn it, and she is less than twelve hours from losing herself and her son completely.

If she tells, Henry will die. If she doesn't, well, then there is no hope at all. JJ closes her eyes. She's probably screwed already. If he is watching her every move, he knows Emily found the list. He knows she is smart enough to put it together and figure out what is wrong, even if JJ can't speak it out loud.

Suddenly - JJ does not know how - there are tears on her cheeks. Suddenly, she is sobbing. She can't say the words. She can't say anything. She can't stop this. Even though she knows that even more than the mess, a show of emotion this big is bound to attract attention and confirm that Emily is right. It's only a matter of time, now, before she loses Henry for good.

JJ sinks to her knees. Her hair falls around her face, shielding her from view. She knows that she is alone now. Emily has left and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe she can collect herself and get the hell out of here before anyone else is the wiser.

But no. Here's Hotch, speaking low and soft, asking how they can help. Putting a hand on her arm and promising they will do whatever they can.

JJ does not remember him being like this. So gentle. So understanding. But then, JJ guesses, Hotch _would_ understand, more than most. His ex-wife and his son were kidnapped, in a way. Haley was killed, but Jack, somehow got away unscathed.

So, maybe there is hope, but right now, all JJ can feel is this deep, empty ache.

"I can't… I can't do this or… I can't _say_ anything!" she exclaims. Her voice is too loud. Too intense, but JJ can't help it. She needs them to know that this is serious.

"JJ…" Hotch says quietly, taking in the mess, and the paper from Emily. He scans it briefly and speaks again. "It's someone you know?" he deduces.

"I _told you_! I can't! If I say anything, it's too late! Who am I kidding? It's already too late-" JJ breaks off, emotion closing her throat.

"Come on," Hotch says offering her an arm.

Somehow JJ gets off the floor and allows herself to be led into a conference room. Garcia's inside, with the rest, but JJ doesn't care. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

"What's going on?" Garcia asks, rushing to JJ's side. "What happened? Why'd you tear apart the lair? You know I could get you whatever you need and more…" Garcia is speaking sweetly, like JJ used to speak to Henry when he was scared like this. JJ wonders absently how Garcia knows to do this, before she is even a mother herself. It must be a gift. Some people must be born with it.

Garcia comes closer and JJ, she wants to fight it. She wants to keep Garcia and Hotch and Emily and Rossi and Reid and Morgan all at a distance. It's ugly and terrible but the words come tumbling out of her like stones flung at so many offenders she cannot keep them straight.

It's easier than admitting that she needs them.

"No, you know what? This isn't important. Because Emily's back and Ashley's gone! It doesn't matter that my _two-year-old _was stolen from his bed in the middle of the night by a bastard who beat me! Who's been _following _me for God-knows how long! Since college! But no, you know what, just work your damn case today! It doesn't matter! You're all free to do whatever the hell you want!"

Afterward, she is too damn exhausted. It's close to a week. God only knows what's happening to Henry and damn it, she can't do this alone. In spite of everything she's said, Garcia takes JJ in her arms and holds her close, while the others stand silently and wait for her to speak. To say anything that will give them a clue or cause to help.

"He took him…" she gasps and it's only a whisper.

Garcia does not answer because she knows there are no words that can be said right now to soothe what is wrong. She doesn't talk about putting a file together, about them working the case, and finding the son-of-a-bitch, like JJ might have, once upon a time. Before it was her child. Garcia just holds on and hums sympathy and eyes everyone around the room, sending them silent messages JJ can feel but cannot interpret.

When JJ pulls away, too exhausted to be embarrassed, Hotch is offering her a tissue. "We're not touching anything else until Henry's back, safe with you." He breaks eye-contact only long enough to meet the eyes of everyone else on his team.

"What about Nashville?" Reid asks, referring to the file in front of him.

"Nothing else," Hotch repeats. "We'll get another team on Nashville." Hotch turns his attention back to JJ. "I want you to tell us everything. From the beginning."


	5. The Search

_It is a perversity of human nature to think that in order to find happiness we must abandon those who most wish it for us._ - Robert Brault

Taking a deep breath, JJ nods. It feels good trusting her team again. Letting them in. It feels right. She cannot do this alone. JJ guesses she has always known that. Now, though, surrounded by their love and support, JJ doesn't have a clue why she ever made the decision not to include them in this. They will help. Without them, JJ can do only a fraction of what she can do with them. They're a team. It is how they function best.

"I promised him that if he let Henry go, I'd offer myself in exchange…"

Hotch hides his emotion behind a mask of professionalism. While he's gathering his thoughts, Rossi speaks up.

"How long?"

"Eleven hours, and twelve minutes. I'm supposed to go to him at 8 o'clock tonight." JJ reports, feeling more comfortable relating facts than thinking about the fact that it's her child's life that's in danger.

"Do you have any idea where he might be?" Hotch inquires.

"No…but he calls me every night. And he sent me a video. Proof of life. I was on the phone and I could hear him crying."

"Okay," Hotch decides. "Morgan, I want you to take JJ and do a cognitive interview. Prentiss, get a hold of Will, and interview him as well, about the disappearance. Anything at all he can remember. Garcia, I need you to find out where the unsub sent that video from. Reid, geographical profile. Narrow down the area as much as possible. Rossi, we're going to need you as lead negotiator. I'm going to go over the evidence and see what I can come up with…" he finishes succinctly.

"My house…" JJ offers hoarsely. "I sort of…set up a command center in the guest room. Evidence boards, everything I can remember about him…I have a better start there…"

"All right." Hotch stops short, recalculating in his mind, "I need the team - the entire team - at JJ's." He looks at her in the eye. "I need a name."

She hesitates. JJ doesn't know why, but it is just long enough for Emily to interject with the name she read off the list that fell from JJ's pocket.

"Clark Mathers," she supplies, sending JJ an apologetic glance.

"Garcia-" Hotch starts.

"I will run the name and if anything bites I will snag it so fast," she promises.

Then, JJ is taken to an empty conference room. Derek asks her to sit. She should know this drill, but amazingly, she has never been present during a cognitive interview. She knows both Emily and Derek have given them. She knows Emily has even gotten one. But no one had warned her that during this, JJ's heart would be pounding and her mouth would be dry. No one had intimated that anxiety would be ripping its way through her body and there would be no way to calm down.

"I want you to take a couple deep breaths for me," he coaches. "Try to relax."

JJ clenches her teeth to bite back an angry retort. She forces herself to do as she is asked. She reminds herself that she will do anything it takes to get Henry home and safe. If this is part of it, she will do it.

"Now, you said you knew him in college. You dated?"

"Yes."

"Where?" Derek knows full well that JJ attended U of Pittsburgh as well as Georgetown and the FBI academy. He needs to know exactly where. Exactly when.

"I met him at Pitt," JJ says, clearing her throat and then clarifying "the University of Pittsburgh. We met my freshman year." JJ continues, retelling their history. Seeing Titanic more than a dozen years ago, and Clark's insistence that they go to bed hours later, though she still had to study. JJ tells how he hit her for the first time and she reacted by shoving him out the door. She tells Derek of other times. Of Clark nearly driving them off the road, of him holding a knife to her throat in the middle of the night and trapping her in the dorm room. That, she says, is why she really transferred to Georgetown.

When they are finished, they go to the house. While she is in the command center with Hotch, JJ can hear Emily in another room with Will, leading him through questions about when Henry went missing. Her voice is gentle and controlled. She asks him what he saw. What he felt. If he touched anything. If he took photographs. Incredibly, JJ had never thought to ask any of this, and she is shocked when Will unearths a digital camera and clicks through the pictures he took of empty Lightning McQueen with his rumpled sheets and blanket. Of a miniscule dent left in the plaster of the wall, beside the bed. JJ hasn't yet noticed those things, but then again, she only recently became a profiler. Will has been a detective for years.

She glances at her watch. Glances up at Reid who is busily shading a map with red marker. In JJ's kitchen, she knows, Garcia is in Will's favorite chair by the computer, hacking in to figure out where the video footage was sent of Henry in the cage.

As if JJ conjured her, Garcia appears, breathless in the doorway, cringing at the boards of evidence, lists and photographs tacked up. She looks breathless and a little panicked and JJ hopes to God it's because she found him and there's a chance he can be saved, rather than the alternative.

"Sir. I need to speak to you, like, super urgently."

Hotch steps out, and JJ forces herself to sit down and help Reid with his map, though she does not know the first thing about geographical profiling.

"You said that the unsub grew up in Columbus, Ohio, right?" Reid asks, and he is not sure if this is to keep her occupied or because he really wants to know. Without waiting for a response, Reid continues. "You met in Pittsburgh, and most recently, he came here. So logic would dictate that the void is his comfort zone."

"Wait…is that…Uniontown?" JJ wonders and squints. Then, she is up and at the evidence boards, trying to find what she is looking for. "Last month, I got this in the mail," she reveals, rushing to the bedroom and pulling something out of the bottom of a drawer. She returns to Reid, a little breathless. "I forgot all about it. I don't know how I could've, but it's from him."

She holds it out for Reid to see. In pictures Main Street in Uniontown, Pennsylvania. On the back, he had written: _UNIONtown: the perfect place to start our life together. _

"It freaked me out. I meant to throw it away. I thought I _had._ Damn it, Reid. Uniontown is four hours from here, at least! Henry doesn't have that kind of time!"

"Four hours and five minutes, drive time from Quantico. But by jet, it will only take us approximately nineteen minutes, round trip."

Not willing to waste anymore time, JJ snatches up the postcard and rushes to find Hotch, who is speaking in low tones to Garcia around the corner. "Hotch! Reid and I got it! We triangulated to find his comfort zone and then I remembered this postcard," JJ pauses for breath, shoving the post card into Hotch's hands. "Henry's got to be somewhere on Main Street, in Uniontown, Pennsylvania."

"Garcia's got a street address." Hotch says quietly and gathers the team.

Quicker than JJ thought possible, they are on the jet. Garcia is back at the BAU and has promised to keep him informed. She will even take him to wherever needed when Henry is safe. JJ loves her saying when, not if Henry is safe.

"JJ… There's something you should know…" Hotch ventures as soon as they are in the air. "Garcia found a connection between this and another case. Prentiss and Morgan have been working it locally for a while, via the Internet mostly. They have felt like they're very close to locating the person responsible and making an arrest."

"Hotch. Just tell me. What is it?" JJ presses.

"This case we're working…" Derek offers softly. "It's a little bit like the case we worked in Mount Pleasant, five years ago…"

JJ wracks her brain but cannot think of that case or any other except for the one she is working now.

Suddenly, Rossi takes her hand, and JJ's stomach constricts. He is only gentle when something has shaken him to his core. "Kiddo. Clark Mathers isn't planning on killing Henry. He's planning to sell him."


	6. The Found

_Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning. - _Robert Brault

It's nearly 8 o'clock. JJ's team is in position. She feels infinitely safer with them than without them, and simultaneously, she feels lightheaded at what she now knows. At what she must pretend she has no knowledge of.

Emily and Derek have been seeing Henry all along, via video footage. Though they were not able to identify much about him. Only that he was a very small child - a baby or a toddler - nothing else. Because Clark would not allow his face to be shown. She should have known he did not intend to give Henry back. She suspected he might kill them both, but not this… Never this.

At exactly 8 PM, JJ knocks on the door when she really feels like kicking it in. Clark answers, with a polite, "Come on in," and JJ feels like she is in the Twilight Zone.

"Can I see Henry? I'm here now. A life for a life."

But Clark astutely ignores her questions, threading their fingers together. He stops in the kitchen and pulls out a chair for her.

JJ glances around the old house, noting the haunted, empty feeling of it. The table is set for a romantic dinner. Candles. Soft music. Enya, an artist she gravitated toward when they dated because of her ethereal voice. JJ shudders. But she tries to keep thinking. She tries to think like her teammates - her friends - what would Emily do in this situation? JJ knows exactly, and she knows it's what she has to do now.

"I missed you," she whispers, her voice low and heavy with feeling.

His eyes light up. "I knew you would. I knew when we saw each other again you would remember what we were like. So…you wait here…" he says seductively, "While I take care of one last thing."

And JJ knows. Quietly, she slips out of the chair and follows Clark at a distance. He is so focused he doesn't hear her soft tread behind him. But she realizes too late that she has kept too great a distance between them.

In the basement, there is a wall, dividing the room in half. There are windows, and a door that locks. She realizes too late that Clark has the keys. That Henry is on the other side of the wall. Clark glances up, expecting this, and smiles at her.

Henry is out of the crate now. He is dressed in clothes JJ has never bought. They look like they come from her own childhood, growing up in the early 80's. A faded striped tee shirt with a collar and brown corduroy pants. She studies him carefully, noting with relief that he looks healthy. Except for some swelling in his hands and fingers, Henry looks okay. HHis hair has been cut and styled in the same strange fashion.

JJ's breath catches at the sight of Emily and Derek coming through another door JJ cannot see. Emily is dressed severely, in all black and Derek has dark glasses on and a tee shirt that shows his biceps. She knew they were working undercover, but JJ had not connected that they would go this far. JJ holds her breath as Emily - or whoever the hell she is pretending to be - introduces herself with a thick European accent as Anastasiya, and kneels down to inspect Henry.

JJ is too far to away to even try to make sense of the syllables Emily is uttering, but they sound gentle and kind. JJ prays that Henry does not remember Emily and will not blow her cover. But Henry is subdued, staring at the floor, not saying a word. Derek stands by and says nothing, but keeps eyeing Clark to be sure he does not try anything.

"Hey," Clark interjects, as he tries to walk around Morgan and is blocked. "I just want to get my wife and have her say goodbye to the kid. She got kind of attached…"

JJ, though, has been searching and found the door that Emily and Derek came through. She has gotten inside the room and around Morgan. JJ is on her knees in front of Henry. She is begging him to look at her.

"Step back," Emily orders, her voice still thickly disguised in the accent. Only JJ notices how she has stepped in front of Henry, to shield him. Not from her, but from Clark, who has rushed up behind JJ. There is a blade pressed to her throat.

"I told you… I make the rules. You follow the rules. How the hell did you get in here?" Clark demands, his eyes wild.

In a second, Derek and Emily have their weapons drawn. Hotch, Rossi and Reid step out of the shadows.

"Put down that knife. It's over, Clark. We're FBI." Rossi says, his voice low and controlled.

"You shoot, and she's dead," he threatens. JJ tries to hold as still as possible, but panic is threatening to overwhelm her. This is not how it's supposed to end. She does not want Henry caught in the crossfire.

"You don't have to…" JJ ventures, her voice tight.

Cases have been racing through her mind like the frames on an old filmstrip. She doesn't remember the woman's name, but the case is fresh in her mind. As fresh as yesterday. Because the woman had done everything so right that she had been let go, unharmed. JJ takes a breath, and hopes for the same stroke of good luck. She concentrates, letting the world shrink down to just herself, and Clark. But she never truly forgets about Henry.

"We can leave, right now…," she says. This is not the smartest thing to say as an agent, but as a mother, all JJ can think of is getting the danger away from Henry, who is still oddly silent in the corner, somewhere safely behind Emily. She takes another breath and prays that Will, who is surely listening, will forgive her. "Let's just forget about him."

She cannot bring herself to say Henry's name, because what if he remembers this? She cannot have him realizing that his own mother was willing to forget him after she promised to save him. Swallowing her own revulsion, JJ reaches up to caress Clark's hand, still clutching the knife.

"No! It's a trick! They'll kill me!" Clark screams.

"They won't kill _me_," JJ insists. "Just move the knife a little and I'll cover you. Come on… We can start a life together, like you said in your postcard."

Clark hesitates for just a moment, and then the knife is inching away from JJ's neck. Seizing the opportunity, JJ turns, grabbing the knife and wrenching the blade until it's been rendered unusable.

Just like that, Clark goes from a little manic to the full-blown crazy that JJ knows he is. She sees it. The intention in his eyes as he searches for Henry and violently searches her for the gun she's wearing, the holster hidden beneath her bulky sweater. One reminiscent of the late 90's when they dated.

Without warning, a shot rings out. There's chaos just as quickly as Clark's body spasms and falls to the ground. Henry is screaming. Hotch is holding the smoking gun and radios for an ambulance, though it's obvious that there is no need for one. Clark was dead before he hit the ground.

JJ shoves past Emily and gathers up her son in his strange clothes and holds him close. "Mom's here. I've got you. It's okay."

JJ accompanies Henry to the hospital where he is examined and pronounced physically healthy. Psychologically, JJ knows, it will take a while longer. He is kept overnight for observation and will not let JJ out of his sight. Will is on his way. JJ takes a little comfort imagining Garcia driving him here in her fancy red car named Esther.

Henry has not asked for Will. He has not spoken a word yet. Mutism, JJ knows, is sometimes how trauma manifests on a young child. She gets a brief chill, remembering her own loss. Before losing Henry, JJ had lost Janet. How long had it been until she had broken her own silence?

JJ holds Henry close and strokes his head. "Daddy's coming, you know? With Auntie Penelope. And they're bringing your blanket."

One tiny swollen finger sneaks its way out of the ball of his fist and presses against JJ's lips.

Taking the hint, JJ simply holds him and waits. She prays that when Will arrives, he will bring some magic to transform her son back into the little boy she knows he is.

"Auntie Jan?" Henry croaks in a tiny voice.

JJ freezes. She has told him, of course, that he has another aunt, and that she lives in heaven. He knows her picture hangs in the locket JJ always wears. But he has never brought her up.

"…You're thinking about Auntie Janet?" JJ ventures, not sure what else to say.

Henry nods. "Inside a box with me. She say, "It's okay. Mama's gonna come an' get you," he reports, speaking at just above a whisper.

JJ's throat constricts, and her eyes well with tears. She has never really given much thought to her sister looking out for anybody. She had always thought dead was dead. There was no coming back. But she is glad. God, she's glad. "That's right," she manages, pressing a kiss to Henry's head, relieved when he doesn't flinch.

"Wanna see…" he whines, clutching clumsily at her neck.

So, JJ opens the clasp and lets him look at the face of her sister.

When Will arrives hours later, sober, but exhausted, he climbs into the bed with JJ and Henry. For a while, they just stare at him, half-sprawled in the middle of the bed, one hand still fisting JJ's necklace. For a long time, they do not speak.

And then, suddenly, Will does. "You got him back," he says, breathless, like he is in awe of her. "Hotch told me what you did to that knife." He looks sympathetically at the white bandage wrapped around her right hand. How you did everything you did to protect Henry. I love you. You know that, right?" he asks gently in dim hospital room lighting.

"I know," she answers. "I love you, too."

Then, because there is nothing more important than those words, both fall silent again, curling protectively around either side of their sleeping son. JJ doesn't sleep, but instead speaks silently into the darkness - to Janet - whom she has not seen in more than twenty years. JJ thanks her, grateful that the sister she once thought was outside her reach, is - in fact - not so far away after all.


End file.
